How to deal with relationship anxiety before it gets the better of you (and your relationships)

I believe this anxiety reflects the nature of something called “choice overload,” a research-backed theory that in certain situations, when people are presented with too many options, it can be more difficult to make or maintain a choice – and are less satisfied with it. it. that choice. Barry Schwartz, PhD, American psychologist and author of The paradox of choicesaid The Guardian that this happens because it is easier to imagine that there is something (or someone) better when there are so many viable alternatives. In terms of dating, if there are many other potential partners within walking distance, it’s easy to wonder if the person you’re with is really right for you.

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To be clear, it’s completely normal to experience relationship anxiety every once in a while. Committing to a person can raise doubts and insecurities even if you’ve never opened a dating app. But while these feelings are worth investigating, they aren’t necessarily indicative of a problem in the relationship. The problem is not asking any of these questions, but linking them to the belief that relationship doubt spells relationship doom. Sometimes doubt is simply a reaction to the hard work it takes to maintain a meaningful connection.

So how can we know if the relationship anxiety we’re experiencing suggests problems in your current relationship or is it simply a natural response to living in a world with many options? Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you figure out if what you’re feeling is legitimate self-doubt or simply the product of relationship anxiety.

5 questions to ask to help you deal with relationship anxiety

1. Am I emotionally safe with this person?

To be emotionally secure, you need to feel accepted for who you are and what you need. Your partner may not Pleases all aspects of your identity or being able to meet each of your needs, but to feel secure in a relationship it is necessary that these parts are recognized, known and received. (Important disclaimer: Emotional safety does not apply to abusive behavior. If you are being abused, that is always reason to end the relationship and seek personal safety.)

Don’t confuse feeling safe with always feeling good. But emotional security does it means that you have the space to explore what doesn’t feel good for you and come up with a shared strategy to feel more accepted (and therefore connected) in the relationship.

2. What is the frequency, duration and intensity of my anxiety?

Start tracking when anxiety arises and how it manifests itself. Anxiety often appears when we perceive that we are threatened, such as the threat of being hurt, abandoned, used, exploited, judged, or criticized. If you notice that your anxiety causes you to place meaning on an emotion, such as “he’s not paying attention to me, so I can find someone better out there,” it may be your attempt to seek relief in stressful times, not an attempt. a sign that your relationship should end.

Instead, become aware of the feeling you experience first (such as sadness, anger, fear) that leads you to draw a conclusion (for example, “this is the wrong person for me”). Now try to know that feeling: How long has it been here? When did it first appear? What is your earliest memory of experiencing this emotion? Then consider whether the conclusion you’ve drawn is a response to the current relationship or mirrors how you’ve reacted to big emotions from the past to stay safe in your previous formative relationships.

We don’t want to make decisions in a time of fight, flight, or freeze, as these ways of survival are indicators that we are seeking safety, they don’t indicate when we can connect to our inner wisdom and what is ultimately right for ourselves. Instead ask yourself how you feel about the relationship when you are not in an anxious state? My clients often describe their insights as unresponsive, but rather subtle, calm, and quiet; while anxiety drives us to focus on avoiding a threat or insecurity.

3. Are your doubts or insecurities really about you?

Sometimes we project our worries or negative emotions onto others, because we don’t want to own them. Projection can take the form of avoiding a feeling, belief, or judgment we have about ourselves by transferring it to someone else. It allows others to be “owners” of our personal flaws, thus removing us from having to acknowledge the things we don’t like or that don’t make us feel good.

Consider whether you have negative beliefs about your sufficiency that may be preventing you from accepting yourself and your partner. Can you be honest about these personal insecurities with your partner? Notice whether taking responsibility for your difficulties changes the dynamic and therefore your feelings about your partnership. The more we are able to accept ourselves, the more we accept the faults of others.

4. What are my beliefs about conflict and struggle in relationships?

There is a misconception that “we should be happy” all the time in relationships and that it is your partner’s job to make us happy. If you stay true to the belief that you would have no difficulty if you were with another person, you may be trying to free yourself from taking responsibility for your role in the challenges of the relationship.

A person is unable to satisfy each of our needs. In fact, in all relationships there are always three sets of needs that may not be met at the same time: your needs, your partner’s needs, and the needs of the relationship. The most successful couples aren’t necessarily the ones who have the most in common or who see things the same way, but the ones who mediate their differences with respect.

It can be helpful to ask yourself, “Can my wants and needs be seen and recognized by my partner, while still being satisfied outside the partnership?” This question allows you to contemplate strengthening and nurturing other pre-existing relationships in your life (including the one with yourself!), rather than trying to meet them with a new romantic partner.

5. Have I sufficiently explored my worries and fears?

Often, when we feel worried about being with the wrong person, we rush to make sense of our fears instead of knowing them. It may seem counterintuitive, but the more we know what scares us, the less suffocating it will have on our lives.

Consider writing down everything you know about your relationship anxiety: what it looks like, what it fears will happen, what it doesn’t like about your partner, what it hopes to find in another person, etc. Move towards fear instead of planning a relationship anxiety. run away from it.

Sometimes relationship anxiety is rooted in fear of the unknown, fear of being hurt, or fear of losing ourselves. Know your particular shade of fear and stare it in the face. Ask him what he wants you to know, sit down with him, and then once he’s explored enough, decide what you want to do about it (if nothing else). We want fear to remain present because it protects us, but we don’t want it to take the driver’s seat in our lives.